|Posted on 12 November, 2014 at 15:00|
The main problem people face when in relationships is finding the right person. It seems there is often a disconnect with what we are really looking for and who we decide to glum on to. In many cases there is an old pattern that is being played out and we wonder why the results are the same in the end. Essentially we choose unavailable people.
Unavailable people is a term often used to imply we select partners who have no real intention of committing to a real viable relationship. While this may be true in many ways, I have come to discover that the problem goes far deeper than that. What is essentially going on is that we as the seeker do not make a specific enough analysis of who we really are first as a person. This can result in a number of uncomfortable situations involving group activities and other unions, even employment where as time goes on we feel like a social pariah because we really dont fit in with the group we have selected. No dont take the first job they offer, or man etc. there is a reason for this. When finding the best fit are we really being true to what is actually something that will fit our character now. Often we seek what we hope for, and believe perhaps by choosing a partner who apparently has these traits that somehow we will mold ourselves to this pattern. This is a flawed methodology, one that can lead to great disillusionment and dismay.
For instance- if you are an artistic extrovert who has a flamboyant personality and a strange intellectual style of humor you may have difficulties pairing yourself with a introverted scientist who looks at the world through a cold analytical lens. If you have had a wild childhood and have found yourself to have outgrown it dont choose a partner who has been repressed their whole adolescents and is now seeking to express these latent sexual desires and deviances now in their mid life. Realistically this is not a match made in heaven.
For some reason we are doing this. It is odd but in all reality in the first few encounters the signs that we are in some way negotiating or compromising our ideals for a slightly different model may not bother you in the initial romantic stages of eros but give it some time and those little details may begin to wear on your patience.
The solution- Get out your dream board or vision board and really go to work on who you are now and then really identify where you want to go. Do some real soul searching first because taking the time now can save you heart ache and wasted time later in a relationship that really doesnt honor you. Ok..let me give a brief disclaimer for those who may be balking at this answer- all relationships teach us something and that is great but really do you really need to learn the hard way again? So get the vision board out. What are your interests, who are you, what do you want? Do you like artists, and intellectuals or do you just want a rich doctor or smart scientist so you can procreate a super child. Look ...there has to be alot more to it than that. Even if it sounds good on paper really delve into this so that you can find the ying to your yang?
By discovering who you are you can identify what you dont want. And definitely have a No Fucking Way List (as my dear friend TJ once told me). Dont ever negotiate the terms on your NFWL. I unfortunately had to learn this the hard way the other day and long story short looking back over it all...it was absolutely absurd to believe that this situation could have worked. You should not have to feel bad about who you are in a relationship, just find someone who is on the same page so you are not working so hard not stepping on eggshells. Life should flow and so should a relationship. Ok another disclaimer...given all relationships take work. But lets face it folks some relationships are just lost causes.
And please ladies dont get intimate on the first date. NOooooooo this ends in disaster. Find out who the person is before you jump into the sack. And for heavens sakes find out who you are first. Good things come to those who wait and STDS come to those who dont. lol.
So take this next few days to look in the mirror and be real about who you are. You shouldnt have to keep a mask on while dating someone. Be you and not a representative. If they dont like it...find someone who will. You are a great person you may just be with the wrong one.